Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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