i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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