I feel like abortions should bother me more
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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