You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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