Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The air taste purple.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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