worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
