my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
