My liver just broke up with me...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize