When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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