hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
