I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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