WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
