he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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