Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
