Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
