i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
