I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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