White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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