God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
