i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize