wanna go halves on a baby?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
