My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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