i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
