The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
