WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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