she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
