I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
