He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize