last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
where are you?
Hypothermia
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
