just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize