new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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