the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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