he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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