Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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