Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm getting married
To pizza
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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