ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
