You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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