from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
