There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
