actually, I'm a sock model
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
