i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
