Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize