fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
