y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize