So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
