I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think my vagina is haunted
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
