Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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