I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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