you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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