So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
