Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
