Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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