so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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