after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
