I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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