you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
