I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
