i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
