im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
