Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
this will be a night to untag.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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