My hand turned me down
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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