You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
