i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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