also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
